Answers

Anyone who knows me knows that I have strong religious beliefs. I’m not always the best at walking the walk that I know how to talk so well, but that doesn’t change the fact that I believe. Life has a plethora of burdens that it throws at its victims at any given moment. There are moments when I feel that the burdens on my shoulders will break me, that I’m just too tired to keep fighting, that the end no longer justifies the journey, and that I simply want to quit. Those moments bring about pride, indifference and a dramatic drop in my emotional temperature. This morning was one of those moments. 

I tried praying on my way to work. I didn’t know what to say. I was just...done. I didn’t get much out of that conversation, other than a feeling that maybe today I should devote a few minutes to listening to a General Conference talk (given at a semi-annual conference of the members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints). When I got to work I pulled up the lds website, and they had posted a “talk of the week,” entitled Strengthened by the Atonement by lds apostle, Elder Dallin H Oaks.

This was a great talk, and if you’re interested in reading or listening to it for yourself, you can find it here

Elder Oaks gives a discourse on some of the facets of the multi-faceted nature of Christ’s Atonement. After discussing how He suffered all things, and can therefore succor His people Elder Oaks makes this statement:

Because of His atoning experience in mortality, our Savior is able to comfort, heal, and strengthen all men and women everywhere, but I believe He does so only for those who seek Him and ask for His help. The Apostle James taught, “Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up” (James 4:10). We qualify for that blessing when we believe in Him and pray for His help.

Something about that statement really struck me this morning. I found myself yearning to feel that succor, and I said another quick prayer. Again, I didn’t really know what to say, and found myself praying the thoughts, “I don’t know what to ask for. But I need help. Please help me. Please.”

I received an immediate answer to that prayer.

It wasn’t a voice from Heaven, or some powerful feeling, or a distinct impression. Rather, it was a lightening of my burden. My problems and stresses didn’t just disappear, my ability to overcome some of my immediate challenges didn’t change, my circumstances were still the same, but the tightness in my chest went away; a feeling of warmth emanated in its place; my mind felt less claustrophobic; my shoulders felt a lighter load. Indeed, it was much like the story of the people of Ammon in the Book of Mormon. There was a group of people, the Ammonites, who were trying to live their lives according to God’s law. Another group, the Lamanites, found this people and conquered them. The Lamanites began to persecute and afflict the Ammonites; they put all sorts of tasks upon them, and set taskmasters over them. The Ammonites had become enslaved. They turned to God in prayer, and the Lamanites started killing anyone they found praying. So instead, the Ammonites just started praying in their minds and hearts, and the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying:

Lift up your heads and be of good comfort…I will ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions. And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease.

Ultimately God delivered the Ammonites out of bondage, but that’s beside my point. My point is that I felt this today; I felt that easing of my burdens on my shoulders, that while they are still present, I don’t feel as weighed down.

I am grateful for leaders that can teach principles of the Gospel in simplicity, so I can understand and learn. I am so grateful for prayer. I don’t always get answers. I don’t always pray sincerely. I often pull away from God. But despite all that, and more, God still listens. God still answers. And that’s pretty awesome.

Exercise

ex·er·cise

ˈeksərˌsīz/

noun

1. activity requiring physical effort, carried out especially to sustain or improve health and fitness.

2.the use or application of a faculty, right, or process.

verb

1.use or apply (a faculty, right, or process).

2. engage in physical activity to sustain or improve health and fitness; take exercise.

A four letter word.

Okay, okay; I know it actually has 8 letters...but isn't that really just two, four letter words combined...meaning doubly bad word??!

Often the word "exercise" or any of it's synonyms awaken feelings of dread and pain in the souls of those who have avoided, or neglected applying the behavior described by such words. To others such words evoke feelings of excitement and anticipation. For the majority of my life I have been the latter individual. The last year or so, however, I've become the former...

I struggle with depression. And anxiety. Like, bad depression. And anxiety. The past two years I have specifically been working to learn how to live better with these friends of mine. They have been my constant companions since early adolescence, if not younger. Despite their constancy, I didn't realize that I had these fellas tagging along after me all this time; I just thought that I was who I was; I just thought that I was overly dramatic, overly emotional, hard to be around sometimes, and a failure. Good times. Some times. Some really bad times. Some times. But, a couple years ago I discovered my cohorts. And we've been learning how to live with each other since. Why I didn't realize my struggle was, in large part, because I coped with these companions through exercise. Sounds like a good coping mechanism, right? Wrong. Sort of.

Exercise. Diet.

An addiction.

For fourteen years I over-exercised and under ate. Outsiders looked at me and thought I was living a healthy, well rounded life. Deep down I knew there was something wrong with this picture. "Health is the greatest possession. Contentment is the greatest treasure. Confidence is the greatest friend" (Lao Tzu). True health begets both contentment and confidence. Despite "exercise and diet" I wasn't healthy. I was an addict. I quite literally beat myself up through exercise. It was my way of self-hurting. Obtaining help, I stopped hurting myself this way, and have moved on to be a much healthier individual (yay!). But my muscles have definitely atrophied (boo!). I've been saying and intending and trying and failing to start up a work out regimen again for nearly eight months.

Then I got engaged (yay!). And then remembered that I'm out of shape (boo!).

So, it was time: Time to get serious. Time to buckle down. Time to get motivated. Time to get myself back in order. Time to start EXERCISING. For real. Not this piece meal, nay-sayer, hit and miss, sloppy excuse for work outs I had been allowing myself to get away with for a year and half. For REAL, for real exercise. It was time to listen to Dr Seuss, "You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where you go..." (emphasis added).

So this weekend...I...the Musing Mustard...began a workout program. P90X to be precise. And I'm two workouts in. And I hurt. Bad. I can't lift my arms all the way above my head. I thought my heart was going to literally explode at one or two points. But I did it! Twice! I even got up this morning at 5:30 (okay; so I hit snooze once and got up at 5:40...), and did my plyometrics work out. And despite the cold, dark morning, the aching pain in my stiff muscles, and the snores of roommates, I did it. I feel alive! I had forgotten how much I love those morning workouts. I had forgotten how my body craved that time to wake up, pump endorphines through my system, get the blood flowing, and kick-start my day.

I didn't have road rage driving to work. I repeat, I did not have road rage driving to work!

Instead, I sang along to my music. I joyed in the splashes of sunlight that dappled the mountain sides as the rays peaked through the clouds. I saw the rain-enriched fall colors of the changing leaves on the trees. I laughed on the phone with a customer who called at 8:30 in the morning.

While these are things that are regularly part of my life, they don't often come together all in one morning. But I had forgotten how much more regularly they do come together when I start my day with a good workout. I stumbled on a quote this morning that sums this up: "When health is absent, wisdom cannot reveal itself, art cannot manifest, strength cannot fight, wealth becomes useless, and intelligence cannot be applied" (Herphilus). I am hoping that I can learn to exercise in a more balanced way this time around; for I believe that being physically healthy will enable my abilities to be more emotionally and intellectually healthy.

And I'm excited!!

I used to love exercise. Then I grew to hate it. It became a symbol of my demons. But, "what is joy without sorrow? What is success without failure? What is a win without a loss? What is health without illness? You have to experience each if you are to appreciate the other. There is always going to be suffering. It's how you look at your suffering, how you deal with it, that will define you" (Mark Twain). And is that not what this life is about? Reconciling ourselves? Becoming whole. Being at-one, with ourselves and with God? I know, I know God cares about our well being. Including our physical health. And I know that my demons can become my strengths. So come on, Depression and Anxiety, I need some spotters in my weightlifting, and we all know you're coming with me; make yourselves useful!

Exercise. An 8 letter word. Because it's really not a bad thing.

"You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocket ship underpants don't help." (Bill Watterson)

Photographic Memories

This morning dawned overcast and beautiful! This picture outside my front door doesn't do it justice. As I drove to work I was overcome with the beauty of this day, the beauty of this amazing world! I believe that this world was created under the direction of a Supreme Creator, and that He has the power to mold the elements as He wills; but I also believe that God operates through scientific laws, often laws that we do not yet understand. That being said, while I often praise God for being the ultimate Artist, I also recognize that His artistry comes into play through the mere fact that He set natural laws on this planet in motion, and He lets the elements play as they will according to those laws. Today, the elements wrestled in gorgeous harmony to create shifting thunderheads, streaks of early morning sunlight peaking through on occasion, flashes of awe-inspiring lightening, bursts of rain across the horizon, and an overall panorama of dangerous beauty. For the first half of my drive to work I longed to pull over and take photo after photo of the undulating prospect. As I despaired in my lack of time to do just that, I realized how silly my thinking had become. Our society has evolved to become a media consumed, selfie-taking, photo inundated culture. I love photos! I love capturing moments, suspending them in perfect clarity for "all time." Photography is an amazing medium that allows us to more perfectly pass on memories to the following generations. I so appreciate seeing images from around the globe of varying cultures, landscapes and creations. Pictures enhance our experience and learning in this life. However, I am coming to believe that our photo-happy culture is doing us a disservice. I find that when I take a picture, I don't necessarily appreciate the moment as much. Something in the experience has been devalued by seeing it through a lens, instead of simply soaking it in through my own senses. A quote from "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" captures the thought I'm trying to express; Walter is sitting with a famous photographer, Sean O Connel, who has the "perfect" moment ready to capture on film; Walter asks when he's going to take the picture! and Sean responds, " Sometimes I don't. If I like a moment, for me, personally, I don't like to have the distraction of the camera. I just want to stay in it." Too often I think we lose the priceless moments by the distraction of trying to capture it; some things aren't meant to be caged, even by film. Some of my most beautiful photos are the ones that are only in my head. A picture may be worth a thousand words, but an experience- the feelings, emotions, the sensory data, the relationships- that's priceless. Sometimes that camera lens can get in the way of experience; so while I appreciate, love and cherish my photographed memories, I am learning that nothing can quite compare to the experiences that lead to my photographic memories. Let us not forget that, "the purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience" (Eleanor Roosevelt, emphasis added). Let's take those pictures (because they're awesome!), but let's also take time to simply live and create photographic memories.

A Restart

I haven’t written a blog post for quite some time. Just over two years, to be precise. I call myself the “Musing Mustard,” and while I have done quite a bit of musing the past couple years, I haven’t taken the time to post here. Are blogs even relevant anymore?! Yes; I suppose they still have a definitive place in our culture, regardless of whether my blog is part of that or not. I used to write with the hopes that I would be noticed: “I could be that blog," I thought, "the blog that makes it; the blog that becomes famous!” HA! How naïve I was in that regard! Now, my incentives have evolved; now I write with the intent to simply write. I often feel that I struggle to express myself adequately through spoken word; writing, however, is a medium that allows me to open up, to give voice to the music I feel in my soul, to paint with words. So here I sit, composing my first blog post in years, writing for the sake of writing, with a mild hope that someone, somewhere, someday, might stumble across my words and feel a connection. But ultimately, I will write for me, for the opportunity to give life to thought.

The Musing Mustard has returned.